Deep Cuts: Hasan Discusses The College Admissions Scandal | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Deep Cuts: Hasan Discusses The College Admissions Scandal | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

November 17, 2019 100 By Peter Engel


“What would be your first question after waking up from
being cryogenically frozen for a hundred years?” What if I just got up and I was
like, “Can I get a ride home?” I’m just like, “Dude, that nap was crazy! Uhh… can you take me back to my apartment?” The scientist is like, “Alright.” “How do you feel about
Aunt Becky getting arrested?” I mean, it’s pretty freakin’ nuts. (Spoiled rich children!) Well, the Indian part of me was like, “USC?” (Laughter) You’re paying half a million dollars— it’s not even Stanford? Like… Just be like– “Yea, I paid half a million—” I was like, “You— Like—” I just wanted to be like,
“You got ripped off.” This is crazy to me. I love how you’re like,
“They’re spoiled and rich.” I’m like, “It’s just corruption,
just not done right.” Oh man, you know what
made me really mad? I was like, “She better not
be a communications major.” Like, if she’s a
communications major, like, you paid half a million dollars and
you’re like, “What’s your major?” And, like, “English!” I’m like, “We gotta march
in the streets right now.” They live in LA, too, which is weird. Where’d you go to school? (at Fordham.) Fordham?
(Yeah, But I’m from California.) So you live here?
(Yeah, But I’m from California.) So you’re from— See, that I respect. You’re from California, you had to move out and
you came here to New York to go to school. But, Aunt Becky’s daughter lives in LA. And if you do that, you have to do what I did in college— you just have to live at
home with your parents. In shame for four years. That’s the only way you can do it. (Yes!) That’s just an expensive apartment! You’re like, “Alright, mom and dad— I’m leaving! I’m living 5 minutes away.” It’s like, “No, no, no.
You gotta live with us.” Did it make you
really mad as a student? (A little bit.) Really? (Yeah.) What was the craziest part for
you that you read about it? (I mean, I used to watch
her on Youtube.) You used to watch—? (I used to.) Oh! What does she talk
about on Youtube? (Clothes, makeup…) That’s it?! You know, there’s a
video of her being, like, “Hey, I just got accepted. I’m going to school. I don’t know, I’m not really
gonna be like, going to school. I’m just gonna go to
the football games.” And then part of me was just like, “You could have saved
your mom so much money by just being a Youtuber
and then being like, ‘Can I go to a football game? Get drunk…?’” Aunt Becky will be like, “Well, we talked about this
in an episode of Full House. You can do it, but only if I’m there.” I feel like she’d be that type of mom. It’s wild, man. I think what the good thing is, is that we’re finally having the
conversation about legacy admissions. Which we talked about in the
affirmative action episode, and it was something that, like, no
one really wants to talk about because legacy admissions is, like, the go-to way. People pay their way
into school – legally. That’s the crazy part. It’s just, like… It’s totally on the record. It’s well known. And I think that’s sort of detracted
from the entire meritocracy conversation, especially around, sort
of, taking down affirmative action. So, I think at least this will
start a good conversation. Um… also, the lengths they
went, I mean…my god. The photoshop stuff? That was crazy. I mean, look. I know what
it’s like to be unathletic. You can’t use photoshop to… You can’t use photoshop
to make up for that! Sometimes you gotta
own your ‘L,’ dude! I got my shit swatted in a game. I can’t just be like, “Ugh! Just make my face Kal
Penn’s face – he’ll deal with it.” Nah, you gotta own
your unathleticism. What if we— We have
Zach from digital. You do a bunch of— you do
a bunch of green screen work. Here— Here’s what we’re— You know what? I have an idea!
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Here’s what we’re going to do. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to do a bunch of
things that I would rather do. Like, other things that I could do. And then you can just, like,
do a digital version of that. And be like, yea—! So, like, what if I— Just roll— Are you— Just roll on this camera. OK. So I’m just gonna— I’m gonna act, like— OK, so. This is what we’ll do. I’m gonna act like
I’m sitting at a desk. Make it look like Patriot
Act is a desk show. Here we go. Does that work? [Zach]
(That was great.) OK, great. What else should I— Like, what else can
you photoshop me doing? That I’m not qualified to do? [Zach]
(Can you do a cartwheel?) A cartwheel? I can’t— OK, no, no, no, no. Here’s what we’ll do, OK. I’ll do this, but
animate— OK, here we go. Do you want me to get on— OK, on this one? On this one? Where do we have the clean— Alright, whatever. You’ll
deal with it— you, know. Alright, alright. Alright, next one. OK, I’ve always wanted—
(Play basketball.) What’s up? (Play basketball!) Well, I was gonna say,
I’ve always wanted to dunk. Here we go. You got that? OK. good. What other ones should we do? Motorcycle? Ha ha— motorcycle? Alright. Alright, we got that. What else? I gotta do this one? What—? OK. “What is the most embarrassing comment
a relative has left on your social media?” Uh, the most embarrassing
comment I’ve gotten is, “I went to college with your mom.” Which is very weird! I’m like, “Oh man, I gotta… I gotta finesse my privacy settings. This is getting crazy.” “If Bollywood made a
movie about your life, who would play your character and who would play Najme?” OK, here’s the thing. Anytime an Indian
dude talks about which Bollywood character
they’d be, they always— Yea, yea! We do Shahrukh Khan. But that’s, like, so delusional. We’re like, “Oh yeah, Shahrukh – that’s me.” Huh? But it said there’s a
Bollywood remake. Ha ha – you’re like, oh… I like— But Manish is my friend! It can’t be that. You know what— you
know who would be mine? I’d make it Govinda. He’s great! He’s super funny! What do you mean— so what!? He’s hilarious! How do you— have you met him? Then how do you know he’s short? What? From movies? What if you’re like— what if that’s
the way it works in your head? You’re like, “I don’t know,
he looks short in movies.” What if I’m like, “Daniel Radcliffe.” You’re like, “Stupid. He’s a wizard!” Alright. OK, how about this – Johnny Lever. He could play me. Right? He’s great. I gotta meet him. Johnny: we gotta meet one day. That’d be cool to meet him. Hrithik Roshan… That’s, are you ser—? Yea… Um, yea, that’s gonna be
a real casting. He’s just jacked… Salman Khan? Oh boy… “Oreos: Straight dunk or twist-off?” [deep sigh] I know, look, today’s
been really controversial. I’ve I’ve talked about a lot of crazy
things but, I’ve just got to come clean. Um… I do neither. I do neither, OK? What I do is I take a bite of it… (Oh nooo.) Then, I have a glass of milk— Prashanth, don’t you
dare fucking laugh at me. Prashanth, that’s— he’s my brother. I take a bite… um, and then I… chew it. Then, I drink milk— And I let it— Why are you cringing? Then I let it mix in my mouth. (No.) (Ew.) I vomit it back in the cup
like a little baby bird. Then I put it in the microwave— but it’s a plastic cup.
It’s a plastic cup. And I warm it for four to five
minutes. And it goes, “eerhhhh.” And then I stand next to the microwave. I put my face next to the
microwave, and it’s like, “eerhhhh.” And then I open it and
then the plastic and the milk and the cookies have congealed. And then I take a big ol’
bite of it, like *mimics bite*! And that really gets me going, so. Now you guys know
about my inner process. Alright, “$1 billion lifetime
deal with Skechers or $3 million, 3-year deal
with Nike/Jordan?” This is from Aaron. I’ll say this right here, right now. Give me The Skechers deal. OK, wait, wait, wait— Wait, do I have to publicly say? Do I have to, like, publicly be
in the ads, like Joe Montana? Where he’s just like,
“Hey! These help me walk!” Nooo! Wait, no— actually— You know what
would be even better? Skechers should give
me the endorsement deal, but I’m a silent endorser. And just, every day people just
see me in Skechers and they’re like, “Why is he doing that?” That’s actually more brilliant. Skechers— I actually think it would be better for
Skechers because everyone would be like, “Hey, what’s his deal?” And I’m like, “Dude, I just…I don’t know.” Does Skechers have the wheelies? No, but does Skechers do like
a knock-off version of that? Cause that’d be so great if it was, like, “[sings Patriot Act theme song]” …and then I— I do my thing where I
run on stage and I’m just like, “DUNN!,” and I’m like, “Thank you! Thank
you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you— Tonight, I’m gonna
talk about elections in India!” Allbirds would be pissed? I— you, you already know
my stance on Allbirds. Don’t do that. Don’t be divisive tonight. Here we go. “Skechers: It’s the S!” You got it, Zach? Cool.