S2E1: Naked – Liza on Demand

S2E1: Naked – Liza on Demand

October 8, 2019 100 By Peter Engel


(electronic music) – Oliver, can you plug
the router back in? I’m trying to track a package. – Ugh, give me a minute.
(Liza): Hey guys? What’s up with the internet? I can’t log on to TaskIt.
It’s prime gigging hour. It’s right after everyone
checks Instagram, but before they get drunk. – I thought as
an “elite status” tasker, you got your pick
of the jobs? – I told you,
TaskIt got bought. Okay? There’s no status
of any kind, now. It’s a goddamn free for all! – Right… Really? Nothing about
your situation down there? – I don’t know
what you’re talking about. – The oversized bags
you’re carrying? – Heh. Dude, you’re crazy. – Liza,
when did you get surgery? And why didn’t you tell me
so I could “borrow”
some of your Vicodin? What? It’s not for me,
it’s for Bark-Paul. He gets so wound up
before meet-and-greets. – Hmm.
– Also for me. – Why can’t I experiment
with my look? I mean, you wear mascara. – It enhances my beautiful
almond-shaped eyes. It’d be a crime
not to wear it. – Well, last week,
two different people mistook me for a child. A child.
Granted, one of them
was at the movies, and I was not about
to turn down that
kids’ snack tray. It comes in a racecar!
Isn’t that cool?
– Not really. – But worse,
you know how I signed up for
Toothpaste And Orange Juice? – The worst name
for a dating app, literally two things
you should never combine. – Really? Well,
Michael B. Jordan’s on it. And so is Michael C. Jordan. – Who?
– I don’t know, but he’s hot. But anyways, I haven’t gotten
one response on my profile. Not one!
But last night, I took some new photos
wearing these. And guess what? Ba-dow! I got a date! That’s right,
I’m going on a date later. Because everyone…
Loves… A woman. (gasping) (theme music) – So, Liza…
Who’s this date with? Show, show! – Well, his name is Tyler, and look, he’s basically
a professional athlete. There he is wearing
a baseball hat. Oh, and that’s him
on a motorcycle, and that’s a picture
of a pizza. Oh, it was cheat day. (Oliver): I dunno… What happens after the date? During open house, when Tyler
wants to tour upstairs, but it’s much smaller
than the pictures online? – Is everything
real estate with you? – Write what you know. – Well, he will not
be taking that tour. And even if he does,
it’ll definitely be
in the dark. Nudity is strictly
reserved for lights out. I was publicly naked
for one day, and one day only, and that was the day
I was born. And I intend
to keep it that way. Okay! So how’s my outfit
for my date? He’s taking me
to Office-topia. (gasping): What? Office-topia? – What is Office-topia? – Um, only the hottest
Instagram installation. There are all these office
spaces, and you pretend
you work in an office, and take pictures to post. Ugh! – And you get to send
emails, and faxes, and every two hours
it’s somebody’s birthday, and they have cake
in the break-room. – Oh! And I hear
that there’s this woman named Karen
who just sits there and complains
that the AC is too high. – This just sounds like
somebody’s office where they’re scamming you
all to come in and do free work. – Oliver. If it was a scam, could you take a picture
with this gigantic
World’s Best Boss mug? (Harlow): It is impossible
to get a reservation. I had a spot, but
I had to give it up. I ordered Bark-Paul
the cutest little three-piece suit
to wear from Japan, but I missed
the delivery,
like, twice! Which makes zero sense, because I’ve literally
just been sitting here waiting for it. If I don’t
get it by today, they’re gonna send it
back to Tokyo! Kay, put the router back in! – I’m working on it! (phone chiming) – Oh, a TaskIt! Perfect. I’m gonna squeeze
in a job right before my date. A model? That’s amazing. See, I also put my new look
on my TaskIt app. Everybody loves these things.
They open doors. They’re master keys! – Okay. – I’m a model!
I’m a woman model! A woman model. – So, you’re all set.
Glad you came back. – Hi, there. I’m here
for the modeling job. – Ooh! Look at you,
you’re perfect. – Perfect? Well… I don’t really believe
in labels, but if you must. – So, you’ve
done this before? – Modeling? Yeah. I mean, when you look
like this it’s like, “Oh! Please!
Stop objectifying me!” – I’m just waiting
on the other model. When she gets here,
you can both get undressed. There are robes inside
you can put on until we get started! – Un? Undressed?
– What? It’s a life-drawing class,
to study the naked human form. – Wha– Oh, God. (electronic music) (whispering): A lot of nipples! – Oliver? What is this? Oh, my God, did you… photoshop our faces
onto a wedding picture? That is so creepy. I mean, look at that tiara. What is this, junior prom? – Well, see… I met a really hot
hubby-chaser at the market
a couple weeks ago. – Oh, don’t say that!
I think you look really good! – Hubby-chaser. It’s a guy who’s turned on
by straight men on the DL. Anyway… I may have
pretended to be married, and let him lure me
out of the closet. I thought it was gonna be
a one-time thing, but we’re kinda vibing. We went out last week,
I made him meet me in Pasadena so no one from “my church”
would see us. But then I caught him
checking out a man who was walking with his wife,
and now he won’t text me back. – Because you’re not
straight enough? – Exactly! So I’m leveling up. He’s gonna come over here,
and see exactly how goddamn straight I am! – Oh… – I mean…
(clears throat) – Wait, today? Oliver, no,
I have to wait here all day for my delivery. They didn’t knock while
I was in the shower,
did they? – Oh, shoot, that’s right. Well, since you’re gonna
be here anyway… – You knew that I couldn’t leave so you invited him over for me to be
your fake wife,
didn’t you? – What? He’s an I.T. guy, and he’s coming over here
to fix the router. That way you can get online
and track down Bark-Paul’s suit. – Is the router even broken? – Of course it is. You don’t have a pair
of mom jeans, do you? – Ugh, you know I have several.
They accentuate my small waist. (electronic music) – You can do this.
They’re just gonna draw you. Like a bowl of fruit. And I’m a flat piece of fruit. Come on, come on.
The teacher said
you were perfect. – Sorry I’m late.
– Whoa! Hey, you might be
new here too, but there are robes. – We’re just gonna
take ’em off right? – Yeah, you’re right. Yeah. Good points. Boobs. Points. Nipples.
I’m sorry. (art teacher): Okay,
can I see the models, please? Can we see the other model? – Yup! I’ll be right there! With no clothes on! In front of all these strangers, to observe my every…
my every flaw. In one… Two… Two and a half. Who am I kidding,
I’m not gonna do this. Maybe start without me! Oh, what the…?
This isn’t the dressing room. Oh no. No, no, no, no! I can’t walk around front
in this tiny robe! Oh please let me walk around
front in this tiny robe… Hello? Anyone?! I know you’re all staring
at a perfectly proportioned
naked woman, but… hello?! I guess I’m just gonna
have to die here. They’re just gonna find
my tiny skeleton in a robe. My date! Tyler! Office-topia! Okay. Just have to make it over there
without anybody seeing me. Like a naked Banksy… (electronic dance music) Here, let me help you with that!
– Whoa! – I’ve got it.
You can stay there. It’s a new service
from the post office. Hand delivery. No more waiting in line
at the… mailbox. You have a good day, now! Huh… Not bad. (flies buzzing)
This could be my new look. Did someone pee on this?
Is that blood? It’s all the fluids! – Oh! You look
adorable in this. – Oh! Thanks! I was just walking by
with all my clothes on
and thought, “Oh, I have to try
that coat on.” So I did. (chuckling)
– Good! You know actually, I have a ton
like this inside. Come see! – Inside? Of course.
‘Cause you’re a store. You’re not just giving away
coats out here. Are you? (knocking, Oliver clears throat) – Hello, there.
– Hello yourself. (in a deep voice): Honey! The guy’s here
to fix the router! The guy I’ve never
met before. – So, uh… This is where you live?
With your wife? – Shh! I can’t get caught. – There you are,
my chocolate love! My husband. (forced laughter) Oh! I didn’t even realize
there was anyone else here! I never do when Mr. Right
is in the room. Isn’t he just the most handsome
groom you’ve ever seen? Because we’re married.
To each other. – Yup, we are married. – Uh, and we have so much
heterosexual sex! Sex, sex, sex! Ooh! He can’t keep
his hands off me! So much boning. – Okay, would you excuse us
for a second? What are you doing?
I’m supposed to be in an unhappy marriage,
no sex! That’s why I stray! – Oh, no, no, no, no.
You stray because you’re gay. Not because I don’t satisfy you.
I’m all satisfaction, honey. – Also, “chocolate love”? – You thought it was so adorable when I called you that
in our wedding toast! – There was no wedding toast! – Oh, okay, sure. Next thing,
you’re gonna tell me there was no honeymoon
in Bora Bora. – Wh– Wait, we went to Bora Bora? Did we stay in one of those
cute over-water bungalows? No, no! Just go back out there
and be more unhappy. Like a real married couple. – Fine. But I’m not spending
another Christmas with your family in Buffalo. – I’m not even from Buffalo! (Anna): Yeah, so I can come in
tomorrow to get a spray tan. Yeah, I just feel so pale.
Mm-hmm. (bell chiming)
Hey! What are you doing? – What’s that? Oh, I was just… Just trying to see this
in a more natural light. Because fluorescence,
you know? – So you weren’t trying
to leave without paying,
were you? – Oh, I would never! Wait a second, did you think
I was…? With this? I… Ha! That’s hysterical! No, see, if only you knew
how often I pay for stuff. Which I do. Often. Well, that’s a lovely tan
you’ve got there. Very, uh… natural? – Oh, thank you! People with more color are
statistically proven to be
more attractive. It helps us not to procreate
with the weak and sickly. – Right… Hey, do you have
a phone I can use? – Mm-hmm. – Thanks. Slippery. – So this is where
the router is. Right here. In the closet. – You like it here
in the closet? – I dunno what
you’re talking about. I’m just a married man
who needs another hot man
to fix his Wi-Fi. (clattering)
– You wanna see what tool
I’m gonna use? (phone ringing) (Harlow): Oliver! Where are you? – Just one sec. Hey. Kind of in the middle
of something. – Great. I need you to go into
my room, grab me some clothes, and come meet me
near Office-topia. – What? Are you crazy?
I’m not doing that. – Can you come and bring me
some money then? Look, I am trapped at
a vintage store on third, with a lady who
has a worse fake tan than all the
Real Housewives combined! – No! No! – Please? Look, I lost all
my clothes and my wallet, and I’ve literally been running
around Los Angeles naked! – Oh, good God! (Harlow): Sweetheart? – Shh.
– Okay, fine, I’ll clean the bathroom
for the next month, and I’ll stop eating
your chili cashews. – I knew that was you! Okay fine, I will meet you
by Office-topia, but if you’re not there,
I’m leaving your clothes
in the nearest trash can. I’m not waiting for you. – That’s aggressive,
but thank you. Oh! – Worse than all
the Real Housewives? – I meant that as a…
compliment? I’m so sorry. I’m awful. And grotesquely pale, but… Do you could find it
in your heart to lend me
something to wear? Anything? It’s brown bag chic! Dakota Fanning wore
the same one! I don’t have paper cuts
in my armpits! Is that… Tyler? Office-topia. (rhythmic music) – Welcome to Bee Well Bee-Tox,
do you have an appointment? – Huh? Oh, uh… no. – Oh, that’s okay. I think
we can squeeze in a walk-in. Love your dress by the way. Is this your first time
getting Bee-Tox? Well, welcome to the newest
skin care miracle! All the benefits of botox
and fillers with none
of the chemicals. It’s just all-natural bee venom. – You… sting people
on the face, with bees? – No. Not unless
you spring for the top
of the line Queen Package. Most people just do
the basic injections. You probably have, hmm…
another year before we have
to address the eyes. But the lip plumping
is a “right now.” Lauren, if you’re having trouble
breathing, just give me a nudge. (Lauren, muffled): Mm-hmm!
– Ready? Let’s get you lips. They get you likes. – Okay. Um, I’m good… I actually have some bees
at home that I can use… So I’m just gonna…
I’m just gonna. – Careful!
– Oh, oh! (bee buzzing)
Oh… I think… I think one got out. – No, no. Don’t swat it!
It’s a certified medical aid! (buzzing) – It’s in here. It’s in my bag.
It’s in my bag! It’s trying to get all up
in my hive! It’s in my hive! This place is a nightmare! (sobbing) – Okay, that was
a lot more complicated than I thought. Yeah. Uh… Do you know when
Oliver’s coming back? – Me?
(scoffing) Please. He doesn’t
tell me anything anymore. Always sneaking off,
saying he’s going to the gym. (sighs): We used
to be so happy. But I’m not giving up. He’s my man, and I will
make this marriage work. – Um… Bark-Paul Gosselaar?
You’re a fan too? – Fan?
(scoffing) Honey, he’s my dog. – Shut up! I adore! – I know, he is pretty
adorable, isn’t he? – When you dressed him up
like Jonathan Van Ness
from Queer Eye, okay! That was a moment! – It was, wasn’t it! (giggling)
You wanna meet him? – Are you serious? – Come on!
– Okay! – Oh. Why yes I would
like to learn French. Merde. (soft music) – Hey! Where did you get that?!
– What? – That poster. You need
to give it to me. – Oh, this? Look, I’m so sorry. It’s a really long story,
but I kind of really
need it right now. I can hang it back up
as soon as I’m done– – No! I have been
all over town tearing
those awful things down. They are extremely offensive. Have you seen
the woman on the cover? – Yes. What’s wrong with her? – I have spent years starving
myself and working out, and now they’re just gonna
put someone like that
on the cover, huh?! This has all just been
for nothing? What, now they’re just gonna let
fat people star in movies, and do love scenes,
and go to the beach
in bathing suits? Without shame?! No!
I won’t stand for it! Okay? I don’t want
a level playing field! Give it to me!
– No! – It should be me
on that cover! Do you know how many times
I’ve posted about Bikini Tea? I have to be within five feet
of a bathroom at all times. You can’t outrun me.
I had breakfast on Tuesday. Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Ooh… I need to find
a bathroom. (upbeat music) (Liza): Oliver! Oliver! Over here! – Miss, you can’t stand here. I could lose my license
having a naked person this close to the fruit. – Got it. – Also, you’re gonna have
to pay for those coconuts now that they’ve
touched your body. – Sorry.
– I can’t believe how many people are
lined up for this crap. Here. – Thank you so much. I’m sorry. I’ll just get dressed
and get out of your way. He’ll even buy some fruit. And the coconuts. – I will not. Actually, only because
you have papaya. – You would not believe
the day I’ve had. Oh, my God. You did great
with this outfit. I love it. – I’ve told you
a million times,
let me style you! – New day. I’m here for it.
(chuckling) Okay, I just need to top load. – For the record, I still
think this is wrong. – Voila! How do I look? – Like a woman who’s
lying about her body. Now if you’ll excuse me,
I need to go home
and pretend to be a straight,
closeted gay man
in a made-up marriage in order to be
more attractive
to another gay man. – Hmm… Tyler? – Liza?
– Hey. It’s so great
to meet you in person. Oh, I… That’s just my…
that’s nothing. It’s just… Beautiful day, huh? How did tropical fruit
get in my shirt, what? Okay, Tyler? I have
to be honest with you. I imagine this is less
of a surprise the second time. Look… I’ve spent the entire day
trying to hide what I really look like,
as if somehow, something is inherently
wrong with me. And I don’t want to waste
any more time fighting my hair, or by body, or my skin, trying to live up to some
arbitrary beauty standard! I’d much rather
spend that time… …learning French,
or helping the homeless, or… …catching up on Breaking Bad, because I’ve never seen it, and I don’t think
I can handle another person saying,
“You’ve never seen
Breaking Bad?” Please don’t say it. (woman): Seriously?
It’s amazing! – So I’ve heard!
Anyway… What I’m trying to say is… I’m done,
done with hiding… from the world, but… more importantly, from myself. You know, there is
no one else here who looks exactly like me. And you know what? I like that. I like me. I’m perfect because
I’m not perfect. (crowd clamoring) We’re all perfect,
however God made us! (cameras clicking) – Can somebody change
the toner in the copy machine? (commotion) – I really appreciate
your honesty, Liza. You’re brave, and
you’re inspiring me
to be brave too. I can’t see a thing
without these. Sorry, you just got,
like super HD right there. And also… – I should’ve seen that coming. You had a hat on
in all your photos. Hey. I think you look good. – And I think you’re perfect. – Ah. Perfectly imperfect. – This feels really right. Wanna go back to my place
and put some clothes on? – Yeah. – Oh, yes, yes! – Are you going
to work today? – Honey.
– You’re just so cute! – Sorry it took so long. – Hi, sir. Can I talk to you
for a sec about some stuff
I found in your system? – I hope it was nothing bad. – We need to stop this. Your wife is a lovely,
lovely person, and she’s crazy
about you! I got to know her,
and what I realized is what we’re doing,
it’s wrong. Yeah, it’s unfair.
We need to end this lie, because you owe yourself,
and that woman a little bit of truth. Plus, I’m 99% sure
I broke your router. I’m not really
certified in I.T. I just took
an online course and then dropped out
a day later. Ha! Sorry! – Ugh. – Hey.
– Hey, what are you
doing home so early? – Well, Tyler came out about
being bald, being blind, but managed to leave out
the part about being married. – What?
– Yeah. We went back
to his place, and there were pictures
of his wife everywhere. Apparently, she was
out of town for the weekend. – Ugh, that is terrible! Ugh! How bald? And does he
by any chance need help
with his internet? – Don’t answer that.
Get out of here. (sighing, scoffing) – I can’t believe you guys
didn’t photoshop me
into your fake wedding. – Of course I did. See? – Are my nostrils
really that big? Jeez, it’s like
the Grand Canyon. Nobody look at me,
I’m a monster! (theme music) ♪ We go to work ♪ Yeah, baby. Oliver, you men are crazy… (laughing) ♪ We go to work
We go to work ♪ ♪ We go to work
We go to work ♪ It’s all the fluids! Hey! ♪ Work work work ♪ ♪ We go to
work work work ♪ Blah! What are you
gonna do with me?! I got hair in my mouth,
I’m sorry. – Also, “chocolate l–”
Oh, mmm, damn it! I took away your line,
and that is what men do.
Straight men. – Strictly nudity. What? Ah-ha! – On the next Liza On Demand… (Liza): Can you believe
they’re just letting me
use this car? I mean, the glove box
is refrigerated. I went out
and I bought butter
just for the car. (Oliver): What’s going on? (Liza): One minute,
you’re working in a DNA testing facility, and you accidentally
sneeze in a sample, and a month later,
someone comes to your door because they think
you’re related. – Ah!
(laughing) Mommy’s side
fought in the civil war. And for the right side.
– Which side is the right side? – Oh!
– Ah! (laughing)
– Your white side owes us this. – That is some messed up logic.
– Let’s go! Right now, you can go and binge
all episodes without any ads if you sign up
for YouTube Premium.
The first month is free.