Trump Brags About His ‘Natural Instinct For Science’

Trump Brags About His ‘Natural Instinct For Science’

August 4, 2019 100 By Peter Engel


FOLKS, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. YOU KNOW, SAY WHAT YOU WANT
ABOUT DONALD TRUMP– AND I REALLY WANT TO– HE’S STILL THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. AND YESTERDAY, OUR PRESIDENT SAT
DOWN– ( BOOING )
DID YOU– DID YOU JUST FIND OUT? AM I BREAKING NEWS HERE TO THESE
PEOPLE. YESTERDAY, OUR PRESIDENT SAD OF
SAT DOWN WITH THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, AND IT STARTED ON
FRIENDLY TERMS WITH THE INTERVIEW SAYING, “THANK YOU FOR
DOING THIS.” TO WHICH TRUMP REPLIED, “WHAT
ARE YOU GOING TO GO IN SIX AND A HALF QEERS WITH A NORMAL, BORING
PERSON HERE IN? I DON’T KNOW, DANCE IN THE
STREETS? ( LAUGHTER )
LAUGH OF COURSE, THE REPORTER HAD TO ASK ABOUT YESTERDAY’S
PRESIDENTIAL TWEET IN WHICH TRUMP CALLED THE PORN STAR HE
HAD SEX WITH A HORSEFACE. WHEN THE REPORTERS ASKED IF THAT
WAS APPROPRIATE FOR THE PRESIDENT, TRUMP RESPONDED, “YOU
CAN TAKE IT ANY WAY YOU WANT.”( LAUGHTER )
WHAT OTHER WAY IS THERE TO TAKE “HORSEFACE?”
HEY, IT’S A COMPLIMENT. DID YOU KNOW EVERY SINGLE WINNER
OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY HAD A HORSEFACE, AND THEY HAD A TINY
MAN ON TOP OF THEM.>>SPEAKING OF EMBARRASSMENTS,
DON JR. TRUMP WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT HIS
SON’S FAMOUS TRUMP TOWER MEETING WITH ALL THOSE RUSSIANS. DONALD TRUMP EXPLAINED, “NOTHING
HAPPENED OUT OF THAT MEETING. MY SON’S A GOOD YOUNG GUY.” WELL, WE’VE FACT CHECKED THAT
AND WE HAVE THE ACCURATE VERSION OF THAT STATEMENT: “MY SON’S A
GUY.”( LAUGHTER )
FOR THE– FOR THE RECORD, FOR THE RECORD, SIR, HE’S 40.( LAUGHTER )
AND AFTER A YEAR OF MASSIVE STORMS CAUSING UNTOLD DAMAGE
AND OUR GLACIERS SHRINKING IN EVERY DIRECTION,
TRUMP WAS STILL AMBIVALENT ON THE CONCEPT OF CLIMATE CHANGE. HE TOLD THE REPORTER, “YOU HAVE
SCIENTISTS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE ISSUE.” THAT IS TRUE. NO, THAT IS TRUE. THERE ARE SCIENTISTS ON BOTH
SIDES. ON ONE SIDE, ALL THE SCIENTISTS. ON THE OTHER, ONE GUY WHO RUNS A
BLOG CALLED “Real True American Science
Eagle.Jesus.” FORECAST RAPTURE.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT TRUMP WANTS US TO KNOW THAT HE’S GOT THE BONA FIDES TO BACK
UP HIS CLAIM: “MY UNCLE WAS A GREAT PROFESSOR AT M.I.T. FOR
MANY YEARS. DR. JOHN TRUMP. AND I DIDN’T TALK TO HIM ABOUT
THIS PARTICULAR SUBJECT, BUT I HAVE A NATURAL INSTINCT FOR
SCIENCE.” ( BOOING ).>>Jon: IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?>>Stephen: OKAY, FIRST OF
ALL, WHY DID YOU BRING UP YOUR SCIENCE UNCLE IF YOU NEVER
TALKED TO HIM ABOUT SCIENCE? “ONE TIME I SAW A GUY THAT
LOOKED A LOT LIKE BILL NYE. WE DIDN’T TALK. BUT, HEY, NEXT QUESTION.” AND, SECOND, YOU HAVE A NATURAL
INSTINCT FOR SCIENCE? THAT’S NOT HOW KNOWLEDGE WORKS. YOU DON’T INHERIT IT FROM YOUR
UNCLE! THE MOST YOU EVER GET FROM AN
UNCLE IS YOUR OWN NOSE BACK. BY THE WAY, SEAMUS, I STILL HAVE
YOURS. YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT BACK TILL
CHRISTMAS. OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT AND HIS
PETROCHEMICAL PALS WOULD LIKE YOU TO IGNORE GLOBAL WARMING
ALTOGETHER, BUT THAT MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE SOON BECAUSE A NEW
STUDY SAYS THAT BEER PRICES COULD DOUBLE BECAUSE OF CLIMATE
CHANGE. OR AS THE BROTHERS AT SIGMA PHI
EPSILON PUT IT, “CLIMATE CHANGE JUST GOT REAL.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THAT’S MY SIGMA PHI. DO YOU SOUND LIKE SIGMA PHI? THAT JUST GOT WEIRD. WHOA! WOE, BRO. AND THEY’RE NOT ALONE. A BEER SHORTAGE COULD MAKE ONE
BRO VERY CRANKY.>>I LIKED BEER. I STILL LIKE BEER. I LIKED BEER. I STILL LIKE BEER. WE DRANK BEER. WE LIKED BEER. I LIKE BEER. WE DRANK BEER AND… STILL DO. SO, WHATEVER, YEAH.